Last night I had a horrid night.
Let’s start from the beginning –
Since my surgery I have been wearing a very thin, soft wrap type of dressing gown. Just a short one…….but a comfy one!
Then last night I thought that perhaps I should start getting back to some sort of normality and so I sorted out my PJ’s…..yes I wear jammies!!!
There the problem started.
I can look at myself naked in the mirror and not feel too bad. I don’t like what I see but I can sort of accept that is just how I am now, it’s just how it is.
However, when I put on my jammie top (which is just a vest top really) I looked RIDICULOUS, no seriously RIDICULOUS.
I looked like a hunch back who’s hunch ‘back’ had migrated to the front! And what is really sad about this is that I preferred the side with no boob. Is that strangely weird? All those years that I could only just fill an A cup bra, and now right when I don’t want it, I am ‘brandishing’ an E cup (but only the one, you understand!!).
And the fact that I really REALLY didn’t like what I saw facing me in the mirror seems to have led on to a night of bad dreams, not surprisingly all about me having one boob and looking ridiculous. I woke up quite upset. Silly really but I was upset by it.
All of a sudden I am scared of facing my reflection, scared of spending a life looking like this. What if I had to go for a stay in hospital? Or if I had to be rescued in the middle of the night for some reason? Or when my granddaughters come for a sleepover?
That is the one that worries me most – my granddaughters. I couldn’t look like this in front of them, nor could I let my own kids see me like this…….and even worse I don’t want my husband seeing me like this.
All this worries me. I thought I was doing well, accepting it all ok……..May be not.